The Au Pair truth. And oh yes, It hurts
Carson's Artwork from Pre-school
So,
I guess I don’t really know where to start. Actually I have no idea where the heck to start.
I’m dreaming, dreaming of a life with the kids, my kids. They aren’t really mine by blood but they are mine. I’m dreaming of laughter and fights, about a sunny day full of joy.
When I took that step almost two years ago I never knew what the au pair life would be like. AND I never, never, NEVER knew how my life would be once I was back at home. People talked about the amazing experience the au pair life actually is and I was reading all the papers that the agency sent me over and over again. What did I have to do before I left my homecountry for the US? How would the US be like? I could read about cultural-shocks and yes, I did have a few.
BUT, now when I’m back at home I have more cultural-shock than I ever had. I’m amazed over the feeling about being a stranger in my own homecountry, a foreign who doesn’t know how to act and I can’t even remember all the words, I keep speaking English. I’m just wondering when this feeling inside of me will go away. When will I stop missing the kids and the life I once had? When am I going to feel like a Swede again? Because, that’s what I think I am, a Swede. It says so in my passport anyway. But I can’t help it, I’m having this feeling inside that I don’t belong here. And I’m now asking myself if I ever will.
I can’t point out one special thing that made me feel this way, it’s everything. Every au pair who had a good experience in the US live in a hell once they are back at home. It can take days, months and yes YEARS before they once again fit it in their homecountry. I never knew it would be this hard coming back home and no one here knows how I feel. That’s why I feel all alone in this, even though I’m not alone in this living hell.
So when is this hell going to turn into heaven? Ok, I don’t need it to be just like heaven but a nice and happy place to live is what I’m asking for. So, do I really need to go back to states to find joy and laughter?
